Painful decisions

After the past week I've had to make some painful decisions. I'm sad about it but they are necessary choices in the circumstances.

One of the choices is to discontinue this blog, at least for a while.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for all comments.

Bye for now.

Anger management

There have been some very good things in all of the last three days, but looked at in totality they have been pretty crap.

There is something I have been very angry about, but such is the way of things that I can't tell you what it is.  It turns out that my anger is invalid, misplaced, or out of proportion, or something.  So I can't tell you what it is about because then I would risk offending someone for something that isn't their fault.  That's the theory anyway.

My problem is that currently I lack the tools to work this stuff out for myself.  I am likely to reach erroneous conclusions based on misinterpreted data, or I am simply unable to set things into context or proportion in an appropriate way.  I am overly reliant on others to interpret things for me, and also to communicate in a meaningful and timely way.

All of which makes me wonder whether I am expecting too much of people.  I've learned to assume that if I always initiate contact with others and they seldom or never initiate contact with me, then there's not a genuine relationship there - what there is, actually, is a dependency.  But what if that assumption is wrong? As a result of that I've stood by and watched dear friends disappear out of my life.  What happens when they come back?

On failing to buy a TV

I set myself a tough assignment today. I have been thinking for a while of replacing my ancient TV (a giant metal sarcophagus for a cathode ray tube) with something that weighs less than a Honda Civic. So I decided that today was the day.

This was in itself a step forward. Proactive planning is not something I have been good at lately and following through on a plan is something I have been even worse at. I was therefore pleasantly surprised to find myself in Currys looking at TVs.

Unfortunately I had failed to take into account just how noisy the place was and how much visual disturbance thirty or forty TV screens can create. So although I managed to locate the set I was looking for I had to leave the store before I could seal the deal.

Went home, had a coffee, calmed down, came back.  Eventually found an assistant to talk to.  It turned out I couldn't get the set I wanted and none of the others was quite suitable for one reason or another.  So still no TV.  Still felt like an achievement though.  Will try again tomorrow maybe.

Friendship

Everything important I know about friendship I learned from Carole.

I learned that friends are not people you drink with, or people you work with, or people you watch football or go to church with, or people you just somehow accumulate on Facebook or Twitter.   Friends are the people who will step up to the plate in the bad times as well as hang around in the fun times.

Also, I learned that friendship is so much more than a relationship.  It's a journey, an adventure, even a mission.  The weather may be fair or foul, the terrain easy or hard, and we may not always feel up to the task, but always friends are there for each other, helping them through the difficult times as well as rejoicing in the happier times.

And as with any mission, there are duties which cannot be shirked, but are readily accepted - because there's just nothing else you can possibly do - whatever it takes.  So this is a tribute to my friends, but especially to Carole.  And more than a tribute, it's also a promise.

And now the bad news...

This blog was never supposed to be about depression, it was supposed to be about me.  However, depression is where I am at the moment, and I have not been shy to mention it - although with humour and as much positivity as I can manage in the circumstances, which most days is actually quite a lot.

Today however is not one of those days.  This morning I went back to the GP and was signed off for another three weeks.  It is obvious that although I can function well enough within reasonable limits - enough say to post to this blog once a day - I would crumble quickly within a work environment.  I don't deal well at the moment with noise, confusion and the unexpected and I don't think I would handle conflict well either.

The GP was positive about my prospects of recovery.  There was nothing in my work environment that I couldn't handle until one day, for some reason, I just couldn't do it.  My understanding therefore is that the only thing broken is me, and the implication is that I can expect to be fixed. But when?

I don't want to over-egg this.  Today has been far from my worst day, but it has been a sobering one.  I am alarmed that this is taking so long.

Escape from Coronation Street

It's 7.30 p.m. on Monday.  Time for millions of Britons to sit down and watch Coronation Street and time for me to hide upstairs until it's all over.  Apparently I now have an international audience, so for the benefit of my reader in Malaysia I should perhaps explain that Coronation Street is a British TV soap opera set in the fictitious Manchester neighborhood of Weatherfield, which is inhabited exclusively by monumentally stupid people.

I haven't always found it necessary to avoid Corrie so religiously, and have at times engaged with it in the past.  However, following the failure of my "Hang Deirdre" campaign in the wake of her conviction for being a fucking moron, I decided enough was enough.

Not that I haven't occasionally lapsed.  The bastards who write the show are clever enough to include just enough wit and comedy to lull you into a false sense of security before whacking you with a load of domestic violence, child abduction and bloody Gail whatever her name is.

It also occurs to me that I ought to be able to sit through 30 minutes of television without hiding behind the sofa or yelling at the screen "Don't do that, you twat !!!".  I'm hoping that the counselling will help with this, but I still think I'd rather watch Doctor Who.  I'd sooner take my chances with the Cybermen.

Home alone

One of the trickier bits of my current condition is coping in the house on my own without just retreating to bed and vegetating.  I've been back home since noon and will be alone until about mid morning tomorrow when somebody else gets the chance to mind the nutter for a while.

As I've said before, boredom is the main enemy.  Obsessive reading and re-reading of Facebook and Twitter gives an interesting view of the world, especially in my currently dulled mental state.

So for the benefit of my readers, here are the news headlines from about 60 points below my usual IQ level.

Boris Johnson turns out to be not just an amiable twat, but a very nasty amiable twat.

Russia is going to buy Cyprus. Or something.

The government are going to tax bedrooms, but only for poor people in not very nice houses.

And Time Team is finishing.

I think that covers all the main points.  Time to go back to bed.